It’s no secret that my wife loves the Lifetime Movie Network, just like every other red blooded American woman in this fine country we call the United States of America. I’m not sure what it is about women and Lifetime. I know it’s the “network for women”, but there’s something more to it. As a man I’m hard pressed to even remotely grasp the concept of watching movies made during the mid to late 80s that were not popular, but starred medium tier B grade actors/actresses. I’m even more hard pressed to understand how movies about women being raped, murdered, beaten, forced into the sex slave trade, or generally harassed by every male character within a 100′ of the main female lead is compelling TV; but as I type this a Lifetime Movie blares away in the background with my wife in its firm memorizing grip.

This particular gem is about a woman who has such severe menstrual cycles she risks monthly hemorrhaging. To escalate issues further she also happens to be a detective trying to solve the cold case murder of a young girl by some evil country club reject who was cheating on her with his older lover. There’s also some Japanese rapist OBGYN hanging around during this whole thing and I’m not quite sure why; but there he is being creepy. I can’t make this stuff up– this is the plot. I’m not sure of the title, but if I had to take a wild guess I call it “Bleeding Heart” or maybe “The Women In The Ditch”. I’m not sure that it even matters.

90% of Lifetime Movies are about how horrible men are. 98% of male characters on Lifetime are rapists, murders, or the often overlooked rapist-murder. There’s an occasional nice guy, but he either ends up dead or turns out to be gay. There’s always some evil woman involved. She’s usually some angry cougar on the prowl looking to use her late 50s sex appeal to her advantage. Somehow she aligns with the murder-rapist male, but never ends up dead until the very end. The odds are often overwhelming for the female lead. They could be obstacles of emotion, spirit, and the occasional ankle cramp from too many Pilate cycle sessions.

The law enforcement agents tend to be clueless if not indifferent. I can honestly say I’ve never seen an African American male on Lifetime that I can recall. I’ll be on the look out, but it appears black men don’t exist in Lifetime Movies. Perhaps they were the only ones smart enough to move away from an area where there is such a dense population of murder-rapists and their cougar cold-hearted accomplices.

I’m pretty sure if digitalflood.com was turned into a Lifetime Movie we’d be some evil underground society using the web to extort underage teenage girls in a heroin for popcorn prostitution ring covered by an illegal web cast program. None of that can be further from the truth, but the story writes itself better than an over weight man typing on his computer late at night while his wife watches the TV. Let’s face it– nobody would sit through that. The murder-rapist though; clear winner.