September 15, 2003: [•] Returning home tonight I noticed the strange lack of people on my apartment building’s front porch. All summer it was filled with teens in this constant state of partying. They had all just graduated from the local high school. They were celebrating the one last summer before college. Before going their separate ways. Nine years ago I went my separate way just like them. I just noticed today they were no longer here on my porch and maybe today I just noticed a lot of other things were gone from my life in general. The past three weeks has been full of all sorts of talk about what it means to be a friend. I’ll admit that I am not a very good friend. Does that make me a bad person? I would argue not. I just think the part of me that was capable of being a good friend has changed. I think I have changed. My path– it has changed too. I am very sure of what I want. I am very sure I’m not going to get it. Not because I don’t believe in myself, but because I don’t ever see me achieving the kind of relationship I want with anyone. I am a person of solitude. I like my quite, boring, and incredibly plain apartment. I like my low key life. I like the silence of sitting alone and just listening to the crickets chirp. In short, I like not having the teenagers around. The only noise I miss is that of my daughter. Her laughter and her cheer fill up my house as they fill up my life. That is the only noise I wish to surround myself with. The noise of youthful innocence from the mouth of my beautiful child. Otherwise this silence suits me fine. I am choosing my noise now. I am choosing my voice. I am choosing when to speak. I am becoming more quite by the day and in this silence I am starting to listen to what is on the inside. I am listening to my heart. Back to what a true friend is– one who will tell another with all his heart what they hear inside no matter what it may be and be willing to hear what is inside that other person with total respect for their own personal inner voice. I am learning to listen to others. I am learning to accept things I never would have before. I am learning to not be judgmental of others and to let others live their life as they see fit. I am opening my horizons to include ideas that while they may not suit me are the choice of others, therefore I respect them. I am learning and I am growing. Months ago I was looking at the changes in my life. I was trying to make sense of them. I was making a lot of noise over them. Tonight I looked into my heart and found the answer had been there the whole time. You are your own true friend. I’ve been true to myself for the first time in years. In turn with loving myself I can come to respect others for who they are instead of for what they do. I am seeking the ability to respect; to look beyond what is or isn’t. To seek what is inherent and given, but to not judge it as a particular shade of gray. I will seek to manage my emotion. To heal myself from within. And I will once again triumph over the adversary of self-disbelief that holds us all back from our true capabilities. Keep it real my friends and believe in yourself. For you are your own key to true happiness.
